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I tried, Mom, I really did. And I did good, didn't I? I didn't smack him, or chokeslam him or anything, and
I was sorely provoked.
He kept calling me a coward, and I'm not. I'm not; I tell you I'm not. I was the better man,
it might not feel that way right now, but I was. I stood there and took it. I realise now that I can't just lash out at everything
and everyone, it's not their fault I'm the way I am. I guess some of what 'Taker said has finally seeped through into my brain.
You'd
be right proud of him now. He's got his lovely wife, and his baby daughter. She's really sweet. He's real sorry about the
fire too, and I've stopped blaming him for the fire. Mostly.
Anyway, they're all good. Me, I think I'm getting there,
slowly. Rob's helping.
You'd like him, he's a lot like you really, he's calm and he's gentle. He's so good for me.
Yeah, I think I've got the love bug pretty bad.
That's why I'm trying to be good, as much for his sake as for mine.
'Cause I don't like the idea of what I might do to him if I ever lost my temper. Sometimes, I get such vile thoughts in my
head. What I could do to him, how much pain I could inflict on him, how good he would sound whimpering beneath me.
But
I'm trying to avoid thinking like that. And I've been managing, I've kept what's wicked inside my head. But then Austin has
to go and rile me up, he doesn't know what it's like having a temper like mine.
It'd be so easy to crack, so easy to
become the monster Austin wants me to be. But I don't want to be that monster. I don't want to hurt Rob.
I do want
to hurt him; I want to feel his hot blood on my hands, dripping through my fingers.
No, I won't think like that. Daren't.
But I want to. Don't. Do. Imagine it, imagine the power. Imagine being the one inflicting the pain instead of getting it every
single day. Can't even look at yourself in the mirror. Couldn't look at myself in the mirror if I did that, not to Rob. It's
not his fault; none of it's his fault.
I don't understand any of this, Mom. I thought Austin was one of the good guys.
Everyone says he is. But he's got me so stirred up that I can't think straight.
I'd like to know what he wanted me
to do because it's not as though I could have hit Austin anyway, he's the boss, and he might have fired me. Maybe he did just
want me to be better, and didn't realise what the consequences were.
No, he wanted to hurt me. He doesn't care, he
wants the monster. The monster is easier to control. Except when he gets the monster, he won't have to cope with it. No it'll
be Rob. And I'll hurt him, and I don't want to be doing that.
But I know I can't control myself for long, not if Austin
does something like that again. Mom, I tried, I really did and I managed this once, but I could feel it happening, feel all
the anger running through me. Rob isn't safe when I'm like that.
I want him to be safe. So I have to stop seeing him,
I understand that. But I don't want to, because I love him, I really do, and the idea of not being with him hurts me more
than I ever could explain to you. Help me be stong enough to do the right thing, please, because I know that if I don't go,
I'll hurt him, and hurting him will hurt me. Why is it that whatever I do, I'm the one who gets hurt? When's it going to be
someone else's turn being fate's whipping boy?
It ain't fair Mom, and I'm sick of it.
Sick of it all.
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