I went to see 'The Bourne Identity' and you can tell how good it was when the only plus points I could find was in the technical stuff.

Okay, so there was Matt Damon, and I'm sort of thumbs down about him to begin with. He did okay, but no, really no. I'll accept Tobey Maguire as Spiderman beating up people twice his size because he has superpowers, Jason Bourne does not.

Then again there was Franke Potenke, who is definitely on my list of most beautiful women. Must see 'Run, Lola, Run' one of these days.

Plot, where was the plot. It was supposed to be a thriller, but after the first half an hour, there was no plot, a couple of car chases, yes, but they do not count as plot.

And if this is supposed to be complicated, well, I don't want to see their idea of simple.

Must say the near ending scenes with Pico killing the main bad guy out of the CIA was good, shocking even. And the next scene where Brian Cox's character is passing of the whole plot as a computer sim, now that was good.

'Nother point - dear Mr. Scriptwriter, make sure you give your characters' names so I don't have to call them by the actor's name.

One minor character I do have to say I loved, even more than Pico who was wonderfully ambiguous, Clive Owen's character, the Professor. One, he's wonderfully spooky and two, he's just got the most awesome scenes.

Including my absolute favourite. He's just shot someone, and he's still crouched but listening, and he's on this roof top and all the rooftops of Paris show in the background. I really love rooftops but oh, that was a beautiful shot.

I wasn't exagerating when I said the cinematography was wonderful.

And the bits of Paris that the big car chase was through were the bits I've had bus rides through, and/or walked through. I'm still smiling about that.

If you do watch it, watch the beginning of the car chase. See the white bus with the green bits. I've been on one of those, they travel from Charles De Gaulle airport to the Opera House in the centre of Paris.

(More mad giggling)

Overall, it's as dull as dishwater, but the perfect film for TV, with all the relatives talking over it. Watch the first half an hour and then mute it for everything but the Clive Owen scenes, or the fight scenes.

The fight music is also good. If loud.

Overall 4/10

And if he was only younger (and if they hadn't already cast someone else) Clive Owen is who I'd have playing Gambit. He was wearing the typical Gambit outfit in the film, duster and fingerless gloves and he looked right.

They so better not mess up Gambit.